Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions
During orientation in Chicago, my small group leader would ask us to choose three words to describe how we were feeling every day. At the time, my emotions were already a roller coaster, going from high points of excitement to low points of anxiety. There was so much unknown about my year to come, that I often did not know how to feel.
Since Chicago orientation, I have been trying to take time to analyze how I feel each day through journaling and reflecting, as well as making sure I understand that my emotions are going to continuously twist and turn. I am a huge believer that all emotions a person is experiencing is valid because no one can tell you how you should feel and I believe that God is with you through every emotion you have.
For this blog, I am going to break down my ups and downs up until now. I feel this is a good time to do this as this past week I have finally felt that moment where everything clicks into place.
Anxiety and Anticipation
This is the feeling I had at the beginning of my journey. It is the moment when the roller coaster starts and it goes up the first hill. It climbs slowly and your anticipation builds. As I moved through orientation in Hungary, I felt this building. I was beginning to learn more of what I would be doing in Szeged, and I was excited for what was to come. But I was also anxious. I was afraid I would not be enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not know enough Hungarian, not outgoing and friendly enough, around not enough. I was worried there would be no place for me here. I felt both the excitement of anticipation and the fears of anxiety as I counitued climbing towards the unknown.
Overwhelmed
As the rollercoaster reaches that first creast and plunges downward, you feel overwhelmed at the first steep drop. You let out a scream as you do not know if the experience is fun or terrifying, and you are just praying it all works out.
This is how I felt when I first arrived in Szeged. I felt like there was so much to do and I wasn’t prepared. I needed to open a bank account, get a sim for my phone, buy bedding and a towel, buy food, write a newsletter, figure out my work schedule, and it felt never ending. My mentor gave me the schedule for when there are events at church, and I wanted to go to all of it. I do go to all of it, unless I have to miss so I can be at the Roma College leading an English Conversation course. I love every moment, and I think it is all great fun, but adjusting to my schedule and learning to survive is also terrifying.
Content and Peace
After the first drop, the roller coaster goes into a steady rhythm of up and down and you begin to relax and have fun.
I knew enough Hungarian to be able to go to the grocery store and know what I am buying. Once I picked up some spaghetti sauce, and it looked like it may be one of the kinds with meat in it. I was able to read, and understand, the ingredients well enough to know it did have meat and to put it back. I’ve become comfortable enough with knowing my soundings that I took a shortcut home last week and never stressed I would get lost. I have fallen in love with the beauty of the plaza tér, as well as all of the other squares that go along the same road. I feel peace and happiness when I walk through town and realize all over again that I get to live here and see this beauty every day for a year.
I also feel content and at peace every time I take communion. In these moments I feel connected to the community around me through the body and blood of Jesus.
Frustration
After going up and down a few times, the roller coaster takes you around loops, making you go upside down. These loops look fun when standing in line go on the rollercoaster, but when you actually go around them your head bangs around and you are mostly just annoyed.
Every time I begin to feel confident in my Hungarian, I realize I don’t know as much as I want to. When I check out at the grocery store, the only way I know how much to pay is by looking at the screen. I don’t make small talk with the cashier since I am never sure what to say besides hello and goodbye. The few times I went out with friends for a meal, they had to help me order, something I though I knew how to do for myself. When the elderly ladies at church try to talk to me, I just nod and smile as I do not actually know what they are telling me.
A few times, I began to question why I am here. I feel useless and more like a burden than anything else. I go to a bible study that lasts 2 hours, and I can maybe know 10 words that were spoken. I cannot communicate with the people around me and do not feel as if I contribute to those around me. I understand accompaniment, the model of service YAGM uses, which is more about being present and being wanted and walking alongside those you are with than it is about what you can do for them. But I often feel my community is accampanying me rather than me to them. They make me feel loved and welcomed. They speak English when they can so I will feel included. They always try to feed me. They make me feel wanted. But I do not feel I am doing anything worthwhile besides sitting quietly in a church and smiling.
Boredom and Homesickness
After the loops, the rollercoaster starts to slow down, and you begin to wish the ride would be over already. Out of nowhere, it gets faster and takes you along twists and turns that sends your stomach into knots.
Despite feeling overwhelmed in the beginning, I now have more free time then I know what to do with on some days. I read a lot of books, watch a lot of movies, spend too much time on social media, video chat with friends back home, and play games on my IPad. Some days I begin to feel bored, and don’t know what to do with myself.
Then I start to think about home. I think about friends and family and my cats. I begin to miss college, camp, even high school. I spend too much time remembering all the things I do at home, and thinking about all that I am missing. I get homesick. My stomach turns to knots and I just want to cuddle my cats. Homesickness is strange, because I spend every summer at camp and I didn;t go home often during college. But not having the ability to go home feels different than choosing not to.
Joy
The roller coaster has come to an end. It is slowing down and heading back to the platform for you to get off. You are laughing and full of joy. Because despite all of the bad, there was a lot of good.
This week, everything clicked into place and I began to feel joy. Monday I met with a girl from the churches youth group who is a University student studying to be and English and Hungarian teacher. We spent an hour talking. She taught me some new Hungarian words and offered to explain Hungarian grammar if I needed help. She showed me more of Szeged, including a few of my new favorite spots. I began to fee more at home in Szeged as I discovered more of its beauty.
On Wednesday I was at the Roma College for my English conversation course. We were discussing the American school system and comparing it to the Hungarian school system. It was amazing watching the students engage with me and each other. What was supposed to be an hour lasted an extra half hour as we were engaged in learning with each other. I walked away feeling I had gained as much knowledge as I had shared.
Thursday I helped the seminary intern and the religion teacher at the church make a tree for service today. Friday we cut out leaves for children to write what they are thankful for on that would be glued onto the tree.
Saturday the church hosted a family day. The families were split into 5 groups and had to go to 5 stations and complete an activity for points. At my station, I summarized a bible story for them in English and they had to figure out what story it was. It was fascinating to hear which words they would pick out that clued them into the story I was sharing. I felt so much joy being sourrounded by children who were laughing and running around and being joyful.
After the family day, I went out to dinner with the seminary intern and religion teacher. They are kind, smart, wonderful ladies who make me feel welcome. Last night we talked and joked for almost 2 hours and set up plans to hang out this week. I feel like I can call them friends, and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Today at church I felt the happiest I have been in a while. I felt uplifted by the songs we sang. I was smiling as I watched children tape their leaves to the tree we made. I laughed as the winner from the family day was announced, and every kid wanted to be the one from their group passing around the chocolate that was their prize. After church I was invited by my new friends to join them for pizza. As children offered me chocolate, and people called out cheery goodbyes, I happily went with my friends.
Excitement
Once the rollercoaster ends, you get off, and go stand in line for the next one. Despite all of the negatives you may experience at times, the thrill of the rollercoaster brings you back to the next one. You want to experience all of them, whether they turn out to be fun or not. It is exciting to see what they will bring.
I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring. I know there will be ups and downs, twists and turns. I know there are exciting things to come. In the next month, my mentor and I hope to begin an English speaking service once a month as well as a weekly English speaking bible study. Both of these I would help plan and lead. These are a chance for international students at the Unversity of Szeged to have a place to worship in a language they may feel more comfortable with. I will hopefully also begin volunteering at a community center and working with children there in the next month or two.
My first rollercoaster may be over, but I still have a whole amusement park to go.
Since Chicago orientation, I have been trying to take time to analyze how I feel each day through journaling and reflecting, as well as making sure I understand that my emotions are going to continuously twist and turn. I am a huge believer that all emotions a person is experiencing is valid because no one can tell you how you should feel and I believe that God is with you through every emotion you have.
For this blog, I am going to break down my ups and downs up until now. I feel this is a good time to do this as this past week I have finally felt that moment where everything clicks into place.
Anxiety and Anticipation
This is the feeling I had at the beginning of my journey. It is the moment when the roller coaster starts and it goes up the first hill. It climbs slowly and your anticipation builds. As I moved through orientation in Hungary, I felt this building. I was beginning to learn more of what I would be doing in Szeged, and I was excited for what was to come. But I was also anxious. I was afraid I would not be enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not know enough Hungarian, not outgoing and friendly enough, around not enough. I was worried there would be no place for me here. I felt both the excitement of anticipation and the fears of anxiety as I counitued climbing towards the unknown.
Overwhelmed
As the rollercoaster reaches that first creast and plunges downward, you feel overwhelmed at the first steep drop. You let out a scream as you do not know if the experience is fun or terrifying, and you are just praying it all works out.
This is how I felt when I first arrived in Szeged. I felt like there was so much to do and I wasn’t prepared. I needed to open a bank account, get a sim for my phone, buy bedding and a towel, buy food, write a newsletter, figure out my work schedule, and it felt never ending. My mentor gave me the schedule for when there are events at church, and I wanted to go to all of it. I do go to all of it, unless I have to miss so I can be at the Roma College leading an English Conversation course. I love every moment, and I think it is all great fun, but adjusting to my schedule and learning to survive is also terrifying.
Content and Peace
After the first drop, the roller coaster goes into a steady rhythm of up and down and you begin to relax and have fun.
I knew enough Hungarian to be able to go to the grocery store and know what I am buying. Once I picked up some spaghetti sauce, and it looked like it may be one of the kinds with meat in it. I was able to read, and understand, the ingredients well enough to know it did have meat and to put it back. I’ve become comfortable enough with knowing my soundings that I took a shortcut home last week and never stressed I would get lost. I have fallen in love with the beauty of the plaza tér, as well as all of the other squares that go along the same road. I feel peace and happiness when I walk through town and realize all over again that I get to live here and see this beauty every day for a year.
I also feel content and at peace every time I take communion. In these moments I feel connected to the community around me through the body and blood of Jesus.
Frustration
After going up and down a few times, the roller coaster takes you around loops, making you go upside down. These loops look fun when standing in line go on the rollercoaster, but when you actually go around them your head bangs around and you are mostly just annoyed.
Every time I begin to feel confident in my Hungarian, I realize I don’t know as much as I want to. When I check out at the grocery store, the only way I know how much to pay is by looking at the screen. I don’t make small talk with the cashier since I am never sure what to say besides hello and goodbye. The few times I went out with friends for a meal, they had to help me order, something I though I knew how to do for myself. When the elderly ladies at church try to talk to me, I just nod and smile as I do not actually know what they are telling me.
A few times, I began to question why I am here. I feel useless and more like a burden than anything else. I go to a bible study that lasts 2 hours, and I can maybe know 10 words that were spoken. I cannot communicate with the people around me and do not feel as if I contribute to those around me. I understand accompaniment, the model of service YAGM uses, which is more about being present and being wanted and walking alongside those you are with than it is about what you can do for them. But I often feel my community is accampanying me rather than me to them. They make me feel loved and welcomed. They speak English when they can so I will feel included. They always try to feed me. They make me feel wanted. But I do not feel I am doing anything worthwhile besides sitting quietly in a church and smiling.
Boredom and Homesickness
After the loops, the rollercoaster starts to slow down, and you begin to wish the ride would be over already. Out of nowhere, it gets faster and takes you along twists and turns that sends your stomach into knots.
Despite feeling overwhelmed in the beginning, I now have more free time then I know what to do with on some days. I read a lot of books, watch a lot of movies, spend too much time on social media, video chat with friends back home, and play games on my IPad. Some days I begin to feel bored, and don’t know what to do with myself.
Then I start to think about home. I think about friends and family and my cats. I begin to miss college, camp, even high school. I spend too much time remembering all the things I do at home, and thinking about all that I am missing. I get homesick. My stomach turns to knots and I just want to cuddle my cats. Homesickness is strange, because I spend every summer at camp and I didn;t go home often during college. But not having the ability to go home feels different than choosing not to.
Joy
The roller coaster has come to an end. It is slowing down and heading back to the platform for you to get off. You are laughing and full of joy. Because despite all of the bad, there was a lot of good.
This week, everything clicked into place and I began to feel joy. Monday I met with a girl from the churches youth group who is a University student studying to be and English and Hungarian teacher. We spent an hour talking. She taught me some new Hungarian words and offered to explain Hungarian grammar if I needed help. She showed me more of Szeged, including a few of my new favorite spots. I began to fee more at home in Szeged as I discovered more of its beauty.
On Wednesday I was at the Roma College for my English conversation course. We were discussing the American school system and comparing it to the Hungarian school system. It was amazing watching the students engage with me and each other. What was supposed to be an hour lasted an extra half hour as we were engaged in learning with each other. I walked away feeling I had gained as much knowledge as I had shared.
Thursday I helped the seminary intern and the religion teacher at the church make a tree for service today. Friday we cut out leaves for children to write what they are thankful for on that would be glued onto the tree.
Saturday the church hosted a family day. The families were split into 5 groups and had to go to 5 stations and complete an activity for points. At my station, I summarized a bible story for them in English and they had to figure out what story it was. It was fascinating to hear which words they would pick out that clued them into the story I was sharing. I felt so much joy being sourrounded by children who were laughing and running around and being joyful.
After the family day, I went out to dinner with the seminary intern and religion teacher. They are kind, smart, wonderful ladies who make me feel welcome. Last night we talked and joked for almost 2 hours and set up plans to hang out this week. I feel like I can call them friends, and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Today at church I felt the happiest I have been in a while. I felt uplifted by the songs we sang. I was smiling as I watched children tape their leaves to the tree we made. I laughed as the winner from the family day was announced, and every kid wanted to be the one from their group passing around the chocolate that was their prize. After church I was invited by my new friends to join them for pizza. As children offered me chocolate, and people called out cheery goodbyes, I happily went with my friends.
Excitement
Once the rollercoaster ends, you get off, and go stand in line for the next one. Despite all of the negatives you may experience at times, the thrill of the rollercoaster brings you back to the next one. You want to experience all of them, whether they turn out to be fun or not. It is exciting to see what they will bring.
I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring. I know there will be ups and downs, twists and turns. I know there are exciting things to come. In the next month, my mentor and I hope to begin an English speaking service once a month as well as a weekly English speaking bible study. Both of these I would help plan and lead. These are a chance for international students at the Unversity of Szeged to have a place to worship in a language they may feel more comfortable with. I will hopefully also begin volunteering at a community center and working with children there in the next month or two.
My first rollercoaster may be over, but I still have a whole amusement park to go.
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